I Swear

Facebook knows every male I’ve ever had sex with. It’s no coincidence that they are on my timeline. Yeah, maybe it’s the “cookies” that track every person I stalk. But let’s be real here, Facebook– if that’s your real name even– we all stalk pretty much everyone. I swear Mr. Facebook, while I’m sleeping you use your hypnotic powers and put me into a trance and then read my mind and then decide to torment me– yes, torment is the correct word and by no means an exaggeration– by consistently plopping his face all over my timeline. The real question: what did I ever do  to you, Facebook? I constantly update my cover photo, profile picture, you name it, but this is how you treat me. At least Instagram gives me an ego boost.